it's so strange. i mean. i miss him soooo much, but the thought of him being in my life is almost foreign to me. i think of him and he's like a really good dream that i had. my life was so happy and innocent then. i wasn't really aware of anything bad in the world then. i was such a daddy's girl. when he died my mom really wouldn't let me grieve. i understand that she was in a lot of pain, but i still should have been allowed to grieve. she went a little nuts then. she got suicidal. she didn't know how to live. she's never really recovered. she got remarried a year and a half later to an old friend of hers, who's wife was only dead for 2 months when they got engaged. they dated for 20 days before they got engaged. and got married like 2 months later. i hated him. he hated me. it was fucking hell. in a way i'd say he verbally abused me. he was a fuck. he was in his mid-60s when they got married and in no way wanted to raise another teenager. so they moved me into a condo with them and gave me the basement to live in. no windows. depressing as shit! from the age of 15 i had to pay my own cable bill and phone bill. fred even tried to get me to pay rent. i was 15!!! fuck him! my brothers stood up for me (who were older and already moved out) so i didn't have to pay. he also tried to get me to pay him gas money for driving me to my bus stop every morning since we moved in the middle of the school year. such bullshit. but now i guess it hasn't turned out so bad. i'm really responcible. taught me to take care of myself. i can pay my way in the world. be my own person and that's one of the things that matters most to me in the world. if you pay your own way no one can control you.
i think that last year is when i was finally able to start mourning my dad's death. last february i cried and cried and cried the whole month. i got so fucking depressed. i do every year, but i think last year was the worst. sometimes at night i can feel his presence. i wake up and know he's there. sometimes i have dreams that i am talking to him. these are weird dreams. some people say that is an easy way for people on the other side to communicate with you. and that a lot of the time when you dream of talking to someone who has passed you are really talking with them. i don't know. i'd like to believe this is true. no can prove that it isn't -- so, i choose to believe that it is. mostly since these dreams are always so different from other dreams. just a different feel. like usually in a dream when i realize that i am dreaming i immediately wake up. when i dream of talking to my dad, i can realize it and go on. i'll say, "i'm dreaming aren't i?" and he'll say, "yes, you are but it's ok." and we'll keep talking. he always hugs me. and i feel better. he always looks so happy and fresh. almost glowing.... i don't know. the dreams are different.
i miss him. i do. god, i miss him. i take comfort in seeing him in other people. my nephew is so much like him! and my brothers are starting to look like him the older they get. kinda nice. and even in myself. i'll look into the mirror and see him. he's in my curly hair. in my nose. in my big round head, heh. and i'm happy. i guess it's something anyway. i've learned to grasp onto the smallest details to be close to him. i really don't have much. i take what i can get. i miss him.
i miss him. i miss him i miss him.