Log in

No account? Create an account
LiveJournal for fire in my heart, ice in my soul.

View:User Info.
You're looking at the latest 16 entries.

Wednesday, May 11th, 2005

(share your thoughts)

Subject:Cross Posted in My Own Journal
Posted by:psykoboy2.
Time:11:10 pm.
4 YearsCollapse )

Tuesday, October 26th, 2004

(5 thoughts | share your thoughts)

Posted by:aurorasometimes.
Time:1:46 am.
Mood: sad.
It's the 5 year anniversary of my father's passing away today.

That gave me the motivation to want to try to ressurect this community.

Any goers?

Thursday, August 26th, 2004

(share your thoughts)

Posted by:starrynight189.
Time:10:19 pm.
Mood: pensive.
Well, I'm new to this community so I thought I would post. I will admit that I belong to other communities, but have never had any desire to post. When I found this one and started reading some of the earlier posts, I knew I wanted to join and actually write something in this one.

My mom passed away on April 29, 2003. She was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer when I was in the first grade. I know that it is truly a blessing that she lived as long as she did and that I got to spend so much time with her, but I still feel like I was robbed. I was only 14 years old when it happened. I have since been in therapy and I thought I was getting better at a point, but now I'm not so sure. Not a minute goes by that I don't think about her and how much I miss her. I was so close to her, and now such a big part of me is gone. I have found that it doesn't get any easier. I thought I would get used to it, but I now know that I never will. I'm beginning to think that I will never feel the same again, and I may never be how I was. I just don't understand why all this had to happen...it's not fair to loose a parent at such a young age. she used to be the reason I got out of bed every day, but now I am struggling to find another reason. I've just had one of those days today where all I can think about is her and all I want to do is be with her and see her and tell her how much I love her. It's just so hard....

Well, that's all for now...but I want you all to know that is there is anything I can do for you; feel free to email me at MelBel1989@yahoo.com and I will do my best. Thank you for this community, I finally feel like I can open up to people.

Saturday, November 15th, 2003

(1 thought | share your thoughts)

Subject:my story--sorry for the length
Posted by:pink_etoile.
Time:4:51 pm.
Where to start..
My name's Leah I'm 16 years old and I have lost both of my parents, although sometimes it feels like I've lost everything. When I was 13 years old I came home from school to my mother sobbing hysterically in my kitchen, she sat me down to tell me that my father had been diagnosed with cancer. No one had any idea that my father had cancer until this point, but he did. In the next few months he endured radiation and took more medications than I could count and eventually we all thought he had beat the disease. By the time my father came home from basically living at the hospital I was 14. Over the next year or so life went back to being somewhat normal, my brother was a senior in highschool and I was a sophomore. But then one day, I can remember it like it was yesterday..I was sitting in my 4th period english class reading "A Separate Piece" when over the loudspeaker my brother and I were asked to come to the office. Walking down the hall thinking maybe our mom was calling telling us she wasn't going to be able to pick us up from school, nothing could have prepared me for what actually happened. As I walked into the office my mom sat there with the color drained from her face, my brother walking in after me. All she said was "I will explain in the car, don't forget your jackets." At this point I knew something was wrong, in the car she told us that my father had been at a doctor's visit when the doctor told him the cancer may have come back, but had now entered his brain. I don't remember exactly what happened after this, we went to the hospital and I saw my father lying there weaker than ever..I couldn't stand to watch him in so much pain, but tried to not cry in front of him. Nothing they did could have saved my father's life and after 2 weeks he passed away. September 9th, 2002, that day my heart broke in two and I still cannot come to terms with his death.
After my father's death my mom tried to make things as "normal" as they could be, my brother went away to Boston College and I started my junior year in highschool, played lacrosse year round and tried to be a teenager. My mom on the other hand just wasn't the same, she owned her own law firm and now could hardly work or just do day to day things. With my brother gone, my mom hardly being able to live her own life, I was left to take care of myself. Eventually all the stress in my mother's life got to her, one day during work she fainted and was rushed to the hospital. The doctors said she experienced heart failure, but would recover in not too long. I stayed at my grandparent's for the most part during her hospital stay, then one day she was released and allowed to come home. Believing she would soon be functioning again I had no worries about her recovery. It was 8:00 November 9, 2003 at night when I walked into my mom's bedroom to find her dead. All I remember from this night was calling my best friend James to come immediately and calling 911. I couldn't control myself, shaking, crying, breaking down, and barely able to talk. They are not sure what took my mom's life, but she's still gone. 1 year, 1 month to the day of my father's death she passed away.

The month or so I've struggled to continue in life and although I have great friends who are always there and go to counseling 2-3 times a week, I still find myself wanting to be more with my parents than here. Why them and why so early?

Saturday, July 26th, 2003

(share your thoughts)

Subject:i'm sorry if this doesn't belong here...
Posted by:purpleflower.
Time:8:32 pm.
Mood: worried.
i really am sorry if this entry doesn't belong here.. you can delete it if you wish. i am lucky to have both parents living.. but im writing because of two of my close friends-- my boyfriend in particular. his dad killed himself when he was 15. though that was five years ago, he isn't over it at all. he tries to look different because he looks so much like his dad did. he doesn't really talk about it, but i know it hurts him. he just had a really rough week.. but won't talk to me about anything! i don't know what to say.. to scared to bring it up. does anyone have any suggestions? i lost a close friend last year.. but i know that pain is nowhere near the pain of losing a parent. i am not sure if anyone is reading this.. but if someone is.. do you know how i can help him feel more comfortable? sorry if this is inappropirate.

Saturday, March 1st, 2003

(share your thoughts)

Subject:New member
Posted by:oxymoron0182.
Time:11:31 am.
I just found this community. I decided to read some enrtries, because I thought I would have something in common with everyone here. I didn't truly lose a parent though, and after reading these entries, I know how lucky I am. Two years ago, my dad got sent to jail. Turns out he was doing drugs for years. My mom knew about it, and she told him "either the drugs or me". He chose drugs. They got divorced, and my dad stayed on Long Island, and my mom was forced to sell our house and move to upstate NY.
My childhood was instatly thrown away. Everyone I ever knew, all the people I loved, gone. My dad was in jail for 6 months, and had to go to this rehab. military camp-type place. It was a miracle he survived and he is still healthy. You all probably long to see your mother/father, when I get upest when a month goes by without seeing him.
I have never really moved on. It's hard to forget. Today my mom has less than $10,000 in her bank account, and the house we live in is slowly eating away all our money for a down payment on a cheaper house. I dread the day when we end up getting a new home again; I can't bear to leave the people I've learned to love...

Wednesday, August 7th, 2002

(share your thoughts)

Posted by:sour_grrrl.
Time:5:50 pm.
Mood: high.
Better to loose

Sleep the pain away
No sense living during the day
Sometimes I wonder and sit
What's the point in all of this?
If it's better to loose
Than never to have had
Why in the hell does it hurt so bad?
I wonder if you're still there sometimes
The memories of you sublime
Look down on me and all my mistakes
At the thought of nothing my heart aches
Alll I need and all I want
Is to see you again, just once
So emotionally scarred
Yet, it's not your fault
In my eyes stinging tears are caught
(I have a gift with words, but right now I'm not)
I want so much to be numb
Chasing smoke sometimes helps
I just end up dumb
Lying to myself
I expect you at times
To walk in the door
These false hopes
Reduce me to the floor
I'll watch the phone
'Oh god, please be him'
My mood falls so low
Tears flow on a whim
Sleep the pain away
No sense living during the day
Where people can see
What a mess has come of me
If it's better to loose
Than never to have had
Why do I miss you so much Dad?

Sunday, February 17th, 2002

(share your thoughts)

Subject:shamelss plug
Posted by:crumpled_sheets.
Time:7:45 pm.
Mood: artistic.
New poetry community...
JOin it!

Thank you


Friday, February 15th, 2002

(share your thoughts)

Posted by:sour_grrrl.
Time:1:31 am.
Happy birthday to me...I'm an emotional fucking mess again.
4 birthdays with my guitar...
3 birthdays without my dad...

...I'm forgetting him.
I'm sorry Dad.

Tuesday, February 12th, 2002

(2 thoughts | share your thoughts)

Subject:Happy valentines day from Crumples
Posted by:crumpled_sheets.
Time:11:18 pm.
Mood: sick.
A valentine from a jealous whore

She told me how her
Father always sends her
flowers for valentines day
I just looked at her
and didnt' have a word to say

Mushy things like that
always get to me you see
I thought in my head
Give your father to me
I think i want to fuck him
until he is not able to see

you got a brother?
He always hugs you when you are sad?
Stop telling me things like that
You are going to make me act bad!
I want to tie your brother to a tree
and beat him senseless
and see if he wants to hug me :)

I usta love my cousin
we'll just call him Dave
It seem slike fatherless wenches
just dont' know how to behave
I wanted him to come find me
in this ugly pit where i dwell
i know he couldn't
but it would have been nice
to have someone to roll around
with in Hell.

Rage feels good
until you start to cry
I just wish sometimes
Valentines day would die.

Friday, January 11th, 2002

(2 thoughts | share your thoughts)

Posted by:sour_grrrl.
Time:4:42 pm.
Mood: numb.
i just got my reapproval for my death-of-a-parent ssi. the reason i'm getting this past my 18th birthday is because i have been diagnosed with ptsd. he died in my and my mother's arms.
it's the weirdest feeling in the world, cos everytime i hear i'm getting money because my dad died it makes me happy at first, but after about 10 minutes of jumping up and down i get this incredibly weird feeling. i'm getting this money beause i don't have a father to be out working for it to support me. i should be happy i'm getting this again right?
now that i'm done been extatic and jumping up and down i'm not sure what to feel. i'm just ...numb...again. dammit i can't even cry. i think i'm starting to babble now..so i'm going to stop typing..i just wish i could cry right now..*sigh*

Thursday, January 10th, 2002

(share your thoughts)

Posted by:grrlskout.
Time:11:01 am.
on february 24th, my dad will have officially been dead for 13 years. i was 13 when he died. that means that he will have been gone as long as i knew him. sad thought. almost unbearable.

it's so strange. i mean. i miss him soooo much, but the thought of him being in my life is almost foreign to me. i think of him and he's like a really good dream that i had. my life was so happy and innocent then. i wasn't really aware of anything bad in the world then. i was such a daddy's girl. when he died my mom really wouldn't let me grieve. i understand that she was in a lot of pain, but i still should have been allowed to grieve. she went a little nuts then. she got suicidal. she didn't know how to live. she's never really recovered. she got remarried a year and a half later to an old friend of hers, who's wife was only dead for 2 months when they got engaged. they dated for 20 days before they got engaged. and got married like 2 months later. i hated him. he hated me. it was fucking hell. in a way i'd say he verbally abused me. he was a fuck. he was in his mid-60s when they got married and in no way wanted to raise another teenager. so they moved me into a condo with them and gave me the basement to live in. no windows. depressing as shit! from the age of 15 i had to pay my own cable bill and phone bill. fred even tried to get me to pay rent. i was 15!!! fuck him! my brothers stood up for me (who were older and already moved out) so i didn't have to pay. he also tried to get me to pay him gas money for driving me to my bus stop every morning since we moved in the middle of the school year. such bullshit. but now i guess it hasn't turned out so bad. i'm really responcible. taught me to take care of myself. i can pay my way in the world. be my own person and that's one of the things that matters most to me in the world. if you pay your own way no one can control you.

i think that last year is when i was finally able to start mourning my dad's death. last february i cried and cried and cried the whole month. i got so fucking depressed. i do every year, but i think last year was the worst. sometimes at night i can feel his presence. i wake up and know he's there. sometimes i have dreams that i am talking to him. these are weird dreams. some people say that is an easy way for people on the other side to communicate with you. and that a lot of the time when you dream of talking to someone who has passed you are really talking with them. i don't know. i'd like to believe this is true. no can prove that it isn't -- so, i choose to believe that it is. mostly since these dreams are always so different from other dreams. just a different feel. like usually in a dream when i realize that i am dreaming i immediately wake up. when i dream of talking to my dad, i can realize it and go on. i'll say, "i'm dreaming aren't i?" and he'll say, "yes, you are but it's ok." and we'll keep talking. he always hugs me. and i feel better. he always looks so happy and fresh. almost glowing.... i don't know. the dreams are different.

i miss him. i do. god, i miss him. i take comfort in seeing him in other people. my nephew is so much like him! and my brothers are starting to look like him the older they get. kinda nice. and even in myself. i'll look into the mirror and see him. he's in my curly hair. in my nose. in my big round head, heh. and i'm happy. i guess it's something anyway. i've learned to grasp onto the smallest details to be close to him. i really don't have much. i take what i can get. i miss him.

i miss him. i miss him i miss him.

Wednesday, January 9th, 2002

(share your thoughts)

Posted by:latrie.
Time:8:27 pm.
Mood: depressed.
ok. so i'm not writing about my parent...because first off neither are gone...but i'm writing about someone who will always mean the world to me, who will always haunt my dreams, to the point where i'm waking up crying, because i can't reach out and touch him, when he's *right* there.

My Uncle Derek.

He died when I was 7 from AIDS....That's pretty much the story. I mean, of course i sat around for years not knowing what was wrong with him, i remember asking my mom why he couldn't walk somedays because he was so weak...and...she would never answer me...i remember how he got so skinny and so pale, it hurt to look at him...
He was always so positive tho, and maybe that's why it hurt whenever i would look into his eyes, and see emptiness, and pain...and suffering that he wouldn't show anyone, because he didn't want anyone to hurt for him...well i'm still hurting.

He was my heart, my soul, my believer, the fucking air i breathed! Since the day i was born, he was there..always. The one watching me sing into my hairbrush to some off the wall country singer, that i cstand to listen to anymore, because her voice makes me cry...i no longer listen to country.
He was the one that watch me dance to the Madonna video's that came on the tv...he instilled the love of music in me...and to this day i'm greatful...
i miss him so much tho....i remember the last time i saw him...sitting at my grandmothers house, in her blue recliner...in his bathrobe....momma said to not act any different...so i didn't..when i left, i told him i loved him, and i'd see em tomorrow....momma stayed the night with him...he died in her arms...i still cry...tomorrow's his birthday, and next month, Febuary 7th, will be the day he died....8 years ago..

i miss you..

(3 thoughts | share your thoughts)

Subject:This couldn't have been a more appropriate time to find this community.
Posted by:redfruit.
Time:12:04 pm.
My mother was found dead in her flat last night by the police. They suspect she killed herself, but they are currently treating it as "suspicious" since she was found with a plastic bag over her head and pillows on her face.

Only 4 weeks ago she was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Last friday, she was told that the pain she was suffering from arthiritis (a secondary condition) could be treated, but not together with her cancer medication.

She had suffered from depression for years. We had a difficult relationship. Right now I'm still in shock and don't know what to think. I'm sitting at home, waiting for the coroner's office to call with results from her post-mortem.

She was 59. Somehow you expect that a parent will be around for longer.

I feel the way this has happened is going to haunt me for the rest of my life.

(2 thoughts | share your thoughts)

Posted by:emworm.
Time:3:41 am.
i lost my dad almost exacly nine months ago. its funny to say "lost", i mean i know where he is... physically hes in the ground, emotionally hes in my every thought, movement, breath, heartbeat... hes in my son's laughter and in my tears. Sufficient melodrama I suppose.
He was diagnosed with brain cancer and fought for about 11 months. BRAIN CANCER.. who gets brain cancer? of all the cancers possible... why that one? why one that would depreciate his most charming qualities, his personality, his charm, his wit... He couldnt even talk... what kind of god would allow for a cancer like that... after his first brain surgery he had a stroke. he was diagnosed may 6th 2000 had surgery on may 8th and may 7th was the last time i heard my dad say a full sentance, it was the last time i saw him walk (unassisted), the last time he was free... and you couldnt have cut through the fear and tension that day with a sword..... 11 months of hell... (not for us, even though it was painful) but it was truely 11 months of hell for HIM. Brain cancer is cruel. He would start a sentance and end up saying something like... "you got to snakle the wobble" he HAD NO IDEA that he didnt say what he was thinking.. to him he was SPEAKING... to us it was jibberish.. and when you have something eating your brain you dont even KNOW you're not making sense.. you get frustrated and angry that you speak and everyone keeps saying "what?" i felt so bad for him in those months.... i miss him so much... i know you all understand how i feel i just really NEEDED this. i NEEDED to vent. IM ANGRY IM PISSED!! I dont understand WHY? WHY cant my son ever meet his grandfather? Why cant I joke with him about my car, about my boyfriend, about anything... why cant i TALK to him.. WHY isnt he HERE!
The only positive thing of all this is that Im not afraid of dying anymore... I know that he'll be waiting.
The funny thing about losing THE MOST important and stable thing in your life is the way you try to fill that void. I wont go into that...
The most disturbing part of watching my father die was literally watching him die, watching his final breath, watching his eyes open half way, take a final look at my mom and then roll back... it haunts me still... those final moments when my mother was smoothing out my dad's beard and hair... memorizing the texture with her hands... those moments after.. waiting for the "van", watching it leave, knowing that he was never coming back.. the funeral home, the smell of embalming fluid and makeup, that stale stench of perfume from aunts coming in and out of the room, Sometimes i want to scream..
I guess this journal is a good thing for me because i really NEEDED to get all that off my chest! I feel slightly liberated...

Tuesday, January 8th, 2002

(share your thoughts)

Posted by:sour_grrrl.
Time:1:10 pm.
I just got done setting up everything (overrides and stuff) and I think it turned out nicely. Being the first post I didn't want to make it superficial, so here's a little bit about the person who started this community.
a little about meCollapse )

LiveJournal for fire in my heart, ice in my soul.

View:User Info.
You're looking at the latest 16 entries.